#i will delete this later im just shouting into the void
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maaaan its so hard when you wanna talk about a piece of original fiction in general, but especially when you're shy, and the subjects and themes are like a really raw, weird, personal thing so there's no like...casual way to talk about it?
like how tf do you bring up a slowburn horror/romance about "it is what it is"-ing and overworking yourself into a catatonic survival state in the face of trauma? With semi-nonhumanoid/objectum monsterfucker shit it in that centers around pain?
And its not even explicit or horny????
WHOMST DO I TALK TO ABOUT THIS???? WHOMST IS THIS FOR????
#i will delete this later im just shouting into the void#if you wanna respond or ask questions tho please do i got no idea how to approach this#the codex astartes doesn't cover this
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there's not enough discussion about how being excluded from social activities during primary school severely fucks up your ability to make friends and how, when you do make them, you think friends perceive you
#thinking back its insane how alone i was like#the person i would consider my best friend had a whole other social circle#and i was just. ok. with being “that guy from the class that i speak to”#and it was only really halfway through 2nd year college that i had people to speak to at lunch#cause i'd always just eat in the english classroom#and then in uni it took until end of first year to have a friend group cause i assumed i wasnt wanted#and i was completely fine with that#like i was prepared to go into second year without a real friend group#and im being so real when i say this tracks back to primary#ill delete this later cause it is mildly venty but#i wanted to get it off my chest#shouting into the void if you will#🥛ramble
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the longer I exist online the more I feel like a lot of people think politics are like. awareness fairs. about awareness.
#im mostly talking about how like. 'how is no one talking about this' has become some kind of. badge of morality somehow#like this is really niche internet things and i dont think im explaining it very well but it is annoying#that some people approach bad news as if its some kind of underground band#and that if they are the first person to bring said unknown issue/event to other people's tls then theyre like. somehow inherently more#ethical and aware compared to the person who didnt know#idk. im not explaining this well. its just that it feels like people are shouting BE AWARE !!! at you about an issue you really cant help#with while trying to manage the thirty other trash fires happening around you#and like. all this to say that we should show up for each other as people especially when youre an american like me and ur government is#actively has a hand in most of the world issues rn#but idk... im really confused all the time and trying to keep the whole world in mind while also trying to help out the people in front of#me is hard. and its kinda fucked#im sure ill delete this later i just. needed to speak to the void
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#god this week has been awful#and i just don't see it getting actually better any time soon#and like#something i was really looking forward to on Saturday#i am now very much not#and im just so fucking tired#like actually bone deep exhausted#but also just tired of feel like shit#inadequate and less-than and so fucking stuck#i wanna cry but i jever can when i need to#and even that is frustrating the hell out of me#anyway#birth is a curse and existence is a prison#but at least the sunrise was pretty today#megann liveblogs#shouts into the void#please just ignore this#to delete later
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Loving these 8+ hour long migraines that are starting up again
Add a dash of insomnia and we're having a party
#personal#but forreal#its crazy to have these shorter but more painful migraines#im used to maybe a few days to weeks of a low 4 or 5 o pain migraine#lately its so bad i cant even think#usually i can have a light on for about an hour before my eyes are too sensitive but lately its not even minutes#had to unplug the bathroom nightlight last night#prolly delete later#just shouting to the void
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Crushes are at least 70% due to proximity, and that’s that.
#delete later#it will not work out! I know this for a fact!#and yet this sense of fondness? or something?#and some days im still in love with [redacted] so??#(there are a grand total of two guys in my social circle that are single and the sort of guy I could like#and one has incompatible ideologies#and the other is impossible to read#my options are limited here is what im saying)#just shouting into the void
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Um uh. I’ll delete this later but uh. I am giving my friends and my friends ONLY permission to read under cut because holy shit I NEED to shout this to the void or I’ll explode
Legit the only thing stopping me from going on testosterone (besides the literal roadblock of having no money, unsupportive parents etc) IS THIS MAN. THIS MAN.
IM SO SCARED OF GOING ON T BECAUSE. HOLY SHIT. IF THIS MAN IS MAKING ME QUESTION MY ASEXUALITY T H I S MUCH??????? THIS O N E FUCKING GUY???????? MAKING ME QUESTION MY LIBIDO????????????? AINT NO WAY ID SURVIVE TESTOSTERONE
(Like i am DEFINITELY ACE But Like. Fuck man. Luis. What are you doing to me this isn’t even funny anymore this is just. Unenjoyable)
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#not to be over dramatic but I feel like I'm at my breaking point with how unstable my home life is#every day should not feel this hard to get through without something catastrophic happening#and im just so tired and anxious all of the time#i really need something to change#Im sorry if im not very active right now but my queue ran out over the weekend and im in the middle of performing poorly on my midterms#might be easier if i could have some peace and quiet to study#ken shouts into the void#ill delete this later
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#im hungry!!! im irritable!!!! im on four ish hours of sleep!!!! im in a constant state of being ignored!!!!!!!!#i have so much homework that i don't want to do!!! i just!!!! want a break!!!!!!!!!!!!!#i hate it here i hate it here i hate it here i hate it here i hate it here i hate it here i hate it here i hate it here#i Hate It Here#stuff#delete later#alexa how do i become bearable enough that people stop ignoring me#i literally just want to fucking eat and i don't even have the time to do that#i hate everything#i dont understand like was there a threshhold i just crossed???#from annoying in a manageable way to annoying in an unbearable way????#i thought that the level of me being Annoying restarted every day. but maybe it has been adding up instead#i will now intentionally shout into the void
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The absolute bitch of living through 2020 with an anxiety disorder and ptsd amongst other things is literally almost every is trying to trigger it and it’s all getting worse and it needs attention because as a queer neurodivergent transman I have multiple reasons to be alarmed but at the same time if I tune in fully I will lose it. I’m so fucking tired guys. I’m prioritizing functioning at work and not going into a spiral and so many things are backsliding because of it.
#im so behind on cleaning and laundry#i stopped working out#my writing has been a thing in a WHILE - im sorry guys!#my relationships with my friends and family are suffering#its just too much#i need to update my birth certificate and other passport still#and i cant fucking afford therapy#and my blood family wont help#personal#vent post#ill possibly delete this later#but i needed to get it out if my system#im fine yall i just need to shout into the void
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Sometimes when I can't sleep my thoughts will get negative. Like tonight. I'm thinking about how if I get corona I'll probably die because I'm high risk and if I die I'll have died without ever going on an actual date or been kissed which has now led me down a self esteem spiral because holy shit I'm 24 and I haven't been kissed or gone on an actual date am I really that unwanted hahahahahaha now I'm crying
#i just want someone to love me#im so fucking lonely#probs delete later#vent tag*#shouting into the void*
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#im so exhausted.#so much is going on in my life and in the world and it's so hard to just keep doing it all#im so tired#a break really isn't possible so things have to keep going as they are#not much i can do#delete later#shouting into the void
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okay modifying clothes and buying second hand clothes is the FUCKING BEST like sure h&m have like trendy clothes or whatever but would I have found a zara waistcoat for a tenner in an actual store? and where would I get three funky and way too big flannels for 13 quid other than a dodgy as fuck thrift store???? AND DON'T EVEN GET ME STARTED ON THE LEATHER JACKETS NONE OF THEM FIT BUT THEY WERE FUCKING GORGEOUS AND I'VE NEVER LOVED CLOTHES MORE okat that's all have a nice day
#im just the teensiest bit tipsy van you tell#ansh shouts into the void#idk might delete later#I JUST REALLT FUCKING LOVE CLOTHES
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I oscillate wildly between just wanting to shout into the void in the vague hope that it echoes and also not wanting to be overly dramatic and call attention to myself even in this yawning chasm
#apparently today its shout into the void#but who knows#maybe I’ll change my mind and delete this later#im just lonely#it’s fine nbd#i love my friends with all my heart#but sometimes i just want someone special#oh look its me#talking about wanting a gf again#what a surprise#hey i’m back on my bullshit#sorry to everyone readong this#why are you reading this?#it’s just me trying to hode the tail end of an emotional breakdown#in the tags of a vaguely melodramatic purple prose tinted post#sorry#quill
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its 2019 and I still don’t confess my problems to people I know in real life so
#having trauma related to be alone is the. fucking. WORST.#I cannot relax for one moment. not ever#when I'm with people I have to be 'on'#and when i'm by myself???#I'm even more fucking stressed out#I can't just relax#I feel like I'm going to be trapped alone forever again#like it doesn't even matter that I have friends and I just don't have the energy at the moment#my brain CANNOT comprehend this#I cannot believe I got the luck of the draw for my fucking greatest trigger to just be being by myself#so yeah take a tag essay because I needed to say something somewhere#liv shouts into the void#im gonna delete my sadposting later btw im not about that
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Hey,,,could someone send me links to some good erikar fics,,,or davekat,,,
#im in a mood to read some but not in a mood to search for them#i like to do the long reads and the character development of the characters/relationships#erikar#davekat#cronkri would be good as well uwu#i should shush#and maybe delete later#cause no ones gonna see this and im just shouting into the void
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